DO YOU HAVE CFS – CRYPTIC FUNDING SINK?
copyright 2014 CGWordsmith
Do you have CFS? No, not the mysterious disease state where sufferers have no energy, no medical diagnosis, no social support and after months & years of suffering, no job, no money and basically no life. I mean that other mysterious disorder, which I have just invented. I am calling it Cryptic Funding Sink – the other CFS.
My evil plot has been to infect the money belonging to doctors and medical regulators with the spores of Cryptic Funding Sink, causing it to spread into their financial system and become a mysterious, unexplained, difficult to diagnose or even to describe, financial malady.
Then, what happens when these people try to get help, but nobody can help, and after a while nobody cares… how would they feel when others begin to see them as lazy, complaining nuisances, and tell them just to “get over it” or that “it’s all in your head”?
I actually have chronic fatigue, so now that I’ve infected my unsuspecting victim, I will lie back in my lazy-boy recliner and enjoy watching him suffer. He is a doctor, and he has no idea at all what’s about to smack him in the wallet. Shall we hear his story?
Doctor Noidea tells his story of financial woe:
I just don’t know what’s happening. Last week I woke up rich and happy and went to the golf course because it was a Wednesday, and when I went to pay for my drinks at the 19th hole, I found there was no cash in my pocket. So I took out my credit card, but it was declined. I had to fetch my check book from the bottom of my briefcase and pay with that! It was so embarrassing.
On Thursday morning I could not find my wallet at all. It was just gone. I looked all over the house; looked in all my pockets, in the pants I’d worn the day before, looked in the car, looked in my golf bag, but it was nowhere to be found. The wife was out of town having a facelift retreat and there was no cash in the house. I looked under the sofa cushions, hoping to find my wallet. It wasn’t there, but I did find about $4.79 in loose change. I had MacDonalds for breakfast and went to work. I asked my secretary to report all my credit cards lost and so on. Then I had to ask her to loan me $20 until Monday so I’d have some cash in my pocket. She rolled her eyes at me, but what could I do?
On Friday, I went to work and my secretary called in sick so there was no way to sort it all out and I had so much to do, I just saw my patients and went home early. There was a message on my answering machine from my bank saying my check to the Golf Club had bounced.
Over the weekend I called up some Lawyer and Politician buddies and told them my incredible bad-luck story. We all went out to dinner and they treated me and we had a big laugh about it. I felt better temporarily. Things would be fine, I thought. This sort of thing doesn’t happen to a hard-working, smart, successful person like me, Dr Noidea.
On Sunday morning the wife called from the Las Vegas Spa and said our credit card had been denied and what the heck was going on? I said it was probably just because I’d reported it lost. She said she would use her own card – thank goodness she still has money of her own – and she’d be home in the morning. I didn’t want to hit up my friends for a hand-out again, so I ate leftovers and watched TV. Went to bed early; not because I was tired, but because I couldn’t think what to do without money.
Monday morning was a nightmare! My wallet was still missing. I called the bank about my checking account and they said it was empty. EMPTY? It should have thousands in it! I rang my wife and asked if she had withdrawn our money but she was all snippy and said that I must have done it and what was I up to anyway? I still think she might have taken the money out but I can’t prove it.
Then my stock broker called and gave me the bad news – my stocks had all started to crash. No, I don’t mean just one or two, but my whole portfolio! Was there a big drop in the stock market, I asked? No, not at all really, he said. Just your stocks, he said, “Well yours and quite a lot of other random people out there. You are not related as far as I can see and the lot of you don’t even hold the same set of stocks, but I’ve been hearing from other stock brokers that there have been a lot of people who have this thing happening to them.” Then he chuckled and said, “They’re calling it the Money Flu. Only rich people seem to get it. But hey, I’m sure you’ll sort it all out; you’re not the sort to go under.”
I went into my bank and they wouldn’t talk to me because I couldn’t identify myself because my wallet was lost.
I had to cancel all my appointments for the next couple of days, to try to straighten out my financial mess… so that’s costing me even more! The wife came home and I must say, she was looking good. But she was also looking at me rather strangely. She gave me two thousand dollars, cash, and said, “See if you can make this last, and don’t spend it on booze.” Like I’m some sort of poor beggar.
On Tuesday I saw my Financial Planner. He said, “I hope your wife still has her money because you sure don’t have much left. No cash at all that I can see. Your practice is in debt and most of your stocks are worthless.” When I told my wife that evening, she gave me That Look again and asked about our life insurance policy! “You’re not thinking about killing me for the money, are you?” I asked, only half joking.
Wednesday I took all the records I had and my birth certificate to the bank to try to re-build my financial life. They said that my credit score has got so low that they won’t give me back my Platinum credit card back. They offered me a Bronze Debit Card, with free online do-it-yourself banking and frequent wanker points that I can redeem at any legal whorehouse in Nevada. I took it. What can I do?
The heel came off my shoe and I can’t afford to get it fixed. It’s Thursday and I’m wearing sneakers to work. I had to let my secretary go; the bimbo wouldn’t even share her yoghurt with me this morning and I went into a bit of a rage. I can’t afford her salary anymore, so good riddance. I rang up my son at college to ask if he would loan me some money but he said the college demanded his tuition money this week, “I thought you’d paid it, Dad!” I thought I had, too. Or did I? I’m starting to doubt myself… Anyway, Junior had emptied his own bank account in order to stay in college and said he was going out for a job interview at Subway.
I got home tonight. The house was so quiet… my wife was gone. She packed up and left a note: “I thought I’d done well to marry a Doctor, but turns out you’re a Loser. I’m going back to Las Vegas to file for divorce. If you want to contact me, I’ll be with Dr Goodjob, the plastic surgeon. Don’t worry about me killing you; I’ve checked and your life insurance policy has been cancelled. No idea why, but then, what’s your life worth? Sorry about all that – you’ll just have to soldier on. Good luck.”
I just don’t know what’s happened to my money. I used to have so much and now it’s just all gone! Nobody can tell me where it’s gone, how or why. It’s a mystery, they tell me, and they look at me a bit funny. “Are you sure you didn’t just spend it?”
I swear, I didn’t do this on purpose; I take care of myself! My bank manager saw me, finally, after I waited in line like all the other customers. (And I used to get such service from them, when I had money!) He said I’ve got this mysterious thing they are calling Cryptic Funding Sink, where all your money just sinks inexplicably into some sort of financial black hole. “Sorry, we can’t help people like you.” People like ME? What did he mean by that, I wonder?
My financial advisor has dropped me; there are no finances left to advise me on. He gave me some parting advice, though: “Maybe you should see a psychiatrist.”
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